I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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