I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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