Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
