I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize