Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES