she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
