I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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