Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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