I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
