Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
