Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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