ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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