The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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