just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
