you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
