In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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