If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
