am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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