So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
