ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
