I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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