saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
even my farts smell like vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
