I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
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I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....