thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.