My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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