why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
