Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.