Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.