Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
