Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
