I faked an abortion last night.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
