i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
