Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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