I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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