omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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