Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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