look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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