member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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