I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
