People in love make me want to vomit
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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