Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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