i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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