lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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