i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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