he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
