so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
