I'm gonna have a badass scar
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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