1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your face is a jimmy john
This is not my ceiling
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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