I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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