I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
