I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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