if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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