I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
