duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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