It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
