just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
