I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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