Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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