You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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