I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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