Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
