if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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