When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You are a genius and a whore.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
