Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
